just...

just realise i couldnt withstand loneliness just realise i often think of u... just realise i m just a nothing....

pain trigger

he called juz now but i avoided i sms n asked wat he wan be4 i sms him i was wonderin shall i sms him i knew he would hav juz about my condition but i dono y i was hoping though i know was the most least possible thing to happen yet i still hope tat he call is becuz wanna be together with me again juz as i aspected he call to ask about my condition onli then i replied y would he wanna care since he threw me away tat day? there is no more reply from him.... i was blaming him for not contact me but he did now... i m so angry, sad n lost now... i m so confuse with all this mix feeling. i m so angry tat he break wit me n dum me when the time i needed him the most i m sad that i build this relation wit the wrong person i m lost that my last support is gone n i dono i can survive alone in this path... i cant stop think about the past memory n the things might happen IF we din break.. IF.... such a sad word.....

down graded

juz break wit him for few days but i felt like years rite now... seems like forever.... ppl been sayin i deserve in such situation indeed, but do u really hav to dig the shit out n put it rite infron of me again n again every after i tried to burry it? i keep on fear n hope tat every next second wil be the end my of life... i really wish this could go bac rite be4 where it begin... hope tat there isnt even a begin.... conductin some experiments tomolo. need alot of participants.. yet i still cant get any... hope everythin will go fine... haiz....

sadness

i dono its becuz of him or the fact tat i din sleep well this few days...
though both seem kinda related to each other
i had a nightmare last nite
more to a bad dream instead of nightmare
i dreamt that he dumb me, abondon me.... with all the painfull way...
i used to complaint about my fren to him
he said its becuz i put my affort in building the frienship with the wrong person
then wat about him?
he threw me away during the time i need him the most..
juz feel bleedin....
i really worry about my parents.. my family....
i really couldnt take this n handle it alone....
i worry i cant....

left over

so.. i called him tat day.
asked wat he wan since he never call, never msg me for like a week
he used to tell me he is goin outstation for business trip one day be4 the trip
eventhough he told me weeks be4, he will still call n tell me about it one day be4 the trip
but not this week. he never told me he went outstation one day prior that

so i asked him wat he wan then.. he gasp n said wanna break up.
so there he hav it.
being selfish. indeed that everyone is selfish.
but he ask for a break up during a moment when i needed help n support the most...
no one understnad i guess...
even i told my fren he break up wit me.
she said its must be my fault becuz he is the one who ask for the break up.
though i hav to take in part of the responsibility for being in a mess up situation but being in such situaion is not really wat i wan. he should know tat.
yet he decided to give up on me. i bet he felt relief and happy rite after break up wit me..
i guess he is still celebrating now..

juz too tired.... i really which tat i m hav to guts to press the button to reset my life.....

rush rush~~

wow~~ the last trial run i had.
wasnt tat bad at all.
i prepare like crazy yet the thing i prepared not really usefull =.=
although this second trial is not as smooth as the first one. but i still get the highest mark among them all.... hahahaha....
yet one of my groupmate said both me n my close fren not doing anything still can gain mark =.=

tomolo havin this OCD lecturer class test n also a biopsy test.
roughly prepare... read through all the biopsy note n remember those term n hormone like hell.
hopelly can get a gud marks from those effort.

hmmm... still got no respond from him.. do feel like cryin these few days.
but i guess i hav to be prepare for the break up n continue walkin on this path alone...
haiz....

ohya.. this chinese song 没那么简单by 黄小琥 kinda reflect my feelin for this few days...

gud luck to me~ n cheers :(

mixture of feeling....

hmmm.... mixture of feeling. clearly shows that i felt happy and sad and bla bla bla at the sametime. actually its juz feeling of the day. (sounded abit weird. hmmm)

lets talk about the happy one. today me and my group members were having a trial run (some sort of practical mock test plus interview) wit one typical weird lecturer (becuz she got OCD, shhh....).
i was so nervous, worry i couldnt answer the question she asked us.
lucky me n my close friend manage to answer most questions correctly.
n i got the highest mark among all... woohooo!!!!
its somehow like "in ur face" to my other group members who previously look down at us.
yet they said watever question i get was very easy.
i was like wat??!!!
the first question u guys already got it wrong.. n it was the easiest one... @@
i was so happy, keep on jumpin up n down and share my feeling wit my close fren.
our effort of lookin for the answer n goin through all the journal pay off today. haha....
i was so happy the other couldnt asnwer.
i know it sounds bad but from the beginning they never see our existance.
watever my close fren and i said were not heard by them.
our thought n suggestion were never been accepted by them.
din wanna ask us involve in doing the planning process at the end screwing up almost everythin.
i know i should had volunteer to participant but they din bother our thought n all
so i juz let them "die"
so not goin to be same group wit them next time.
there is another trial run tomolo with the same lecturer
goin to find journal n go through everythin after writing this
hopefully i can manage to get all the question rite for tomolo

here begin the sad thing.
was having diarrhea this few days. kinda worry. hopely it will heal n turn good. haiz.
he suppose to fetch me today. fetch me back home
i dono i should meet up wit him or not. but our relation now is like such a blur.
i juz somehow knew its goin to break soon.
i really wanted to meet up wit him
but my head juz telling me not to do so n give him sometime n not to bother him.
i sent a msg to him n lied that i had fren fetch me home so he don hav to pick me up
he replied "why"
then i told him becuz i don wana cuz any problem to him
he replied and asked not to be like this..
i din reply him after tat. i had a feelin of cryin when i decided not to meet up wit him n when replying his msg
when i think again, if he really cares, he would hav call or sms me after knowing tat i din reply his msg for so long.
i guess a break up is a yes already. its juz the matter of time
i really need someone to support me
i use to be dependent on him
i really dono whether i could continue walkin on this path alone.
but time can stop of no one rite? haiz....
juz have to be stong and move on then...